I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
