The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My feet surprised me
Randomize
