I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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