dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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