I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
