i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
