So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
