my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
