gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
