got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
please come you make the beer taste better
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
