ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
