Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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