the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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