woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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