You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
