Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
