I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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