Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
