Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
