I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
