I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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