Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
