he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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