Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
