Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
