He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
