Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It's just like the Real World with babies
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
