I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
