Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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