so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
