Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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