so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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