how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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