theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
