After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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