I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
