You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
