she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
