i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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