I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
