my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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