Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
