not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
