Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
