Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just had sex on a roof
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
