Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
