i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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