I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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