I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
