Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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